October 21, 2007 Myspace blog post

Why and Do You Hear Me?

Current mood:contemplative

I am sitting here rather late at night…or early in the morning, depending on your viewpoint…experiencing some discomfort from a medical condition that I am dealing with. It really is amazing how quiet a house with four human beings and two cats can be in the middle of the night. I am in a rather contemplative mood. I wonder why I gravitate to writing in this blog…why I keep coming back and pouring my thoughts and sometimes even my soul “on paper”. Does anyone really care? Can anyone relate to the inner workings of me? I often feel hesitant to post what I have written…I can be rather insecure sometimes.

You know, surprisingly, I have found through reading other people’s blogs that I really am not all differant from anyone else. We all come here to share, to vent, to educate, to develope our own thoughts and opinions, to start debates and conversations…we are all reaching into the same place and putting it out there in many various forms. And I guess we are looking for others who relate to our way of seeing things, our way of presenting things.

If you could look into my head, you would be amazed at what you would see flying around in there! Often what I post here just scratches the surface of what I am thinking…Maybe I should spend more time in the writing of my entries so that I can work more of these thoughts in. I do not want to always be posting mega-blogs that are full of words and ideas that could have been said in a much tighter fashion. I don’t know if I err in my holding back or if it would be an error to pack more in.

Right now I am thinking about life and how it is sometimes so easy for things to rush right past us. I remember one time when I was a kid, my brothers and I were waiting for the school bus. When it finally arrived, it just zoomed right past and never stopped for us. (obviously my mom called the school and somehow…I forget how…we got to school that day) Life can definately be like that school bus. My problem is that when that happens, rather than working out a solution and moving forward as my mom demonstrated that day so long ago, I tend to get frustrated and discombobulated (is that even a real word??) and very easily overwhelmed. Yet I am mom…it would not do for my children or anyone else for that matter to see me “out of control” so I try to keep up the outer appearances.

And that is another thing…Why do we tend to do that? Why do we find it so hard to admit our struggles and weaknesses? I think it would have made a big difference if my mom had allowed us to see more of her struggles and how she overcame them. Because we all go through stuff. No one is immune to it. Maybe I am doing my own kids a disservice by not being honest about my own struggles. I do not mean to dump on them, but maybe they need to see that most people do not have it all together all the time. And maybe they need to see that it is ok! Maybe that would take the pressure off a bit both for them and for me.

I am looking forward to church tomorrow…er, later today. I need to be fed. I need someone to give me something to contemplate that will teach me a godly, biblical fact of life…something that will help to build and shape me. High call? I hope not. Sometimes I get like this…I get hungry to learn and to interact with others as I do so. Maybe it is because I am a stay at home mom who lives in a new area and has no friends or outside contact or maybe it is just my learning style. I don’t know. But there it is…

I am going to stop now…there is so much more I could type right now, so much more floating around in there! Like I said…you would be amazed! But it will have to wait for another blog, another sleepless night.

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